they need to just BURY HIM!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
