We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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