TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
