no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
