i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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