This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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