it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can I color on your dick again?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
