I accidentally had phone sex last night
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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