your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
