My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
