I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
