man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
A+ Viking dick
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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