Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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