Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
