I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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