My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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