He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
