When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
