evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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