i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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