i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
