you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
