Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Randomize
