the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the condom got lost in my hair
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
