someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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