New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I want her autograph on my taint
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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