New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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