it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
