I just pynch a tree in the face
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
