Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
