im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
