We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
