Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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