I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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