this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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