Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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