So drunk its hurt
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize