i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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