I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize