he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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