Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
