you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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