i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
