i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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