He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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