My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
