I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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