If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
