Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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