im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
