This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
