why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
