You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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