Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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