You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
