there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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