Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
