Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
