A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
