Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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