I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
