I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
