Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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