I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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