Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
