my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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