you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
