PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
