it wasn't lemon gatorade
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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