The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize