Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize